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quiet space within turmoil

April 17, 2016

I was going to write that April is an intense month for me. So many words were tumbling out but a quiet space stopped them.

Somewhere up there, and in here, you are smiling.It was you, Dada, from your heavenly space, and Ma from hers, who quietened the energies jostling about from thought, emotions and action and caused a calm in which I am able to organize my paperwork, feeling as my father must have when he did his; and in the middle of the night as my mother advised to do, if I am unable to sleep. To my family who may worry about my not sleeping – I slept today from 5 pm to 11, after a workshop, and don’t worry – will go back to sleep again after these words have been aired!

Today, many moons ago, on the day when he became a father to my elder sister, my father passed, and quietly, without any fuss, my mother stopped asking for her red bindi to be placed on her forehead. A bittersweet day for my sister, as her birthday is also her father’s day of dying. Even further back in time, when I was perhaps 5 or 6, my great-grandfather, in whose home we were then living, passed away on my birthday, on the last day of this month. My mother was with him, at the hospital in Delhi and we were in Dehradun. I remember how we canceled my birthday party, then felt disappointed, and the intense guilt at my disappointment. For years after that, I did not celebrate my birthday on the day, but rather on this day, my elder sister’s birthday. We shared the day for a joint birthday party. I suddenly remember this as I write! Then the healing, and I could celebrate the day again.

April is a month of birthdays and deaths very close to me- both intense experiences, though for my parents, the latter was peaceful. Birth into this life and then into the after life, perhaps not yet quite ‘home’ because the afterlife, as my younger sister is mapping out for us, is also another set of experiences. For many years, April has been a retreat month for me; I would literally chill out, not doing much beyond some household work and writing. Now, my life is busybusybusy as they say, and it usually keeps me fulfilled and happy. But this month, the pain body rose again, and I wondered why. It came to a head yesterday, when I left the keys in the ignition while getting some manuals bound at Office Depot, for a workshop. I didn’t know I’d done that, so it shows I took wrong decisions, overdoing what turned out to not be required. When I discovered this I had three thoughts in quick succession –  chiding myself for the serious mistake, gratitude for the safety, for here was a car that was still where I left it, safe and sound, nothing stolen. And there was the little voice that asked me to look at the ignition when I had thought I needed to look for the keys in the store where I’d been. I took this as a smile message to relax, let be.
A friend who had come to help, later pointed out that she’d never seen me so shaken as I was yesterday, and I remarked about the strange resurgence of a pain body and my usual April chilling. No wonder, she said, you are at the end of your energy, wound down as it’s the end of a year for you. On May 1st, you’ll be bouncing, full of energy! Thank you for that insight, wonderful Teresita!
To my sister who may worry about my pain body coming up again – it is not old pain, but the one of this year, that came to my attention as it is ready to leave. Praveen is away, tending to his mother and sister, and it is a strain when he isn’t here. It shows up in all the little things that have been happening recently. All this came to a head yesterday. Even more potent is the pain of the world that is in earth-chaos nowadays, as earthquakes are picking up, and strong ones have shaken Myanmar, Philippines, Japan, Guatemala, Ecuador. As we cue deeply into the world, we are not immune from feeling the pain; but nor is the earth immune from feeling our collective emotions. We truly are one – many thoughts in one mind, many feelings in one being, many actions from one body, but above all, that smile that Dada is beaming as my papers are coming to order, that Ma is feeling as I tidy up in India’s daytime, and I feel the Angel is showing as I say Thank You! for keeping that car safe. Now if only I could find that earring that I dropped I know not where.

If you’re still here, thank you for holding space with me.

Love,

Meenakshi

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Leena Chatterjee permalink
    April 20, 2016 6:13 am

    So moving Meenakshi. I felt your pain….and then the movement towards closure ❤

    • April 20, 2016 9:37 am

      Thanks Leena. It’s a spiral, and each year, it shows its face in another way – both: the pain and the smile. We tend to try to suppress or move away from one to the other, until we see the harmony in all.

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  1. Sync with that quiet space | H.U.G.S*: *Hourly.Universal.Global.Sync | Share to Benefit The World

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