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30 years of marriage

April 14, 2013

Thirty years ago, we got married, breaking the conventional rules of a night wedding. We, and our parents, were all ‘morning people’  and we decided not to be yawning while saying our vows. The day is fresh in my mind as if it was yesterday. It was perfect, and everyone was happy.  After some stresses and strains of wedding preparations, that day was just – perfect. We didn’t ask a priest to pick an auspicious day, seeking instead a mutually convenient day for us all. There was no need. The stars were aligned, so no other day worked out and it turned out to be an auspicious day – Baisakhi and Tamil New Year, just after the new moon.

Five years ago, friends persuaded us to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary. One of the party games was for friends to tell us if they thought we were a case of ‘two peas in a pod’ or ‘opposites attract.’ Everyone said, the latter.

They are right. I saw no reason to seek out a mirror reflection, or even to become that. I was raised to think freely, and this came into our marriage. When we came together, I did not feel that either of us were the ‘other half’. It was two wholes coming together to become an even bigger whole. Our marriage has helped us to expand our consciousness.

Much value is placed by conventional wisdom on consistency among parents. I do not believe in forced consistency, nor in the futile attempt to trick children into believing that we have the same thoughts about everything. Naturally, coming from similar backgrounds, we had similar values in some areas – education, for instance. But I value conventional education for its knowledge, and my darling for its opportunity. We allowed our children to see both aspects. This way, our parenting style allowed all of us to expand our consciousness.

Thirty years. We’ve lived in many homes, four countries in three continents, raised two kids, and are discovering that life just keeps becoming more and more unexpected – in the best possible ways.

I was thinking about the  challenging times, the tough ones, the ones with struggles and fights. After one of our fights, back when we were struggling with our differing views on raising our kids, one  of my children  shared his fear that one day we would also divorce as had his friend’s parents. We will never divorce, each of us told him, though we had not decided on a standard answer in advance. How can you say that, one of my friends challenged me angrily, How can you be so sure about the future? We had decided that in the beginning  I answered, and this is my reality at this moment..

See what happens after a fight, I counseled the kids: Is the atmosphere in the house clear or is it heavy? Are we sulking or friendly? Clear, they said. That’s like a storm, I told them. When energies build up in the atmosphere, there’s a storm, then the air is clear, fresh. The storm has passed, and things have moved to a better level. The child’s question helped me to come to terms with our fights. Over time, they have almost disappeared, and I don’t regret that each of us struggled to give the best parenting we could, to our children. We did not pretend to an outer peace, and this has brought a measure of clarity to the family.

Yes, parenting has been a large part of our years of marriage, and I’m sure will continue to bring challenges as the children move to adulthood!

If anyone is asking, this is my advice about marriage:

Intend that you will be together for better or worse. That’s what my darling told me before we married. We knew there’d be times we’d feel love each other, and times we wouldn’t, but we decided we would not part.

Become a friend of your partner, but don’t seek to be the only friend.

Allow each other to grow

Accept the moments of separation as well as the moments of togetherness

Have courage. In being with each other, you will discover your own strengths and weaknesses, and in this way, you are truly reflecting each other. In finding your own inner guru, you are being each other’s guide, wittingly [don’t give me a lecture!] or unwittingly [you’re always….]

Yesterday I saw a writing by Terri St. Cloud as a vow to a partner.To which I added my vow to my partner, and one that I will challenge myself with every day: [with thanks to the flamingos who inspired me]

I will see you as a person who is even more than a partner to me
so you are free to be who you are as I am free to be me ;0
Thank you for your presence in my lifeFlamingoes in love

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. April 14, 2013 10:59 am

    Oh Meenakshi, rejoicing with you and your darling and the rest of your family! Thank you for offering such wisdom about staying together; as far as I can tell, you found all the secrets to it!
    May the celebration be utterly and totally dazzlingly joyful!
    Love,
    OM

    • April 14, 2013 7:09 pm

      Joyful to see you here, OM, and thank you for your warm wishes.
      Love

  2. April 14, 2013 8:07 pm

    Oh what a wonderful sharing Meenakshi. Congratulations to you and your beloved husband and family.
    A pearl of wisdom you just revealed, thank you. And yes , what a great cause to celebrate!

    Hugs,
    Lucienne (Alluvja)

  3. Wanita Bullard permalink
    April 15, 2013 3:34 am

    I Love it your words are very inspiring ❤

  4. April 15, 2013 4:28 am

    What a wonderfully inspiring way to share this special day! Thank you Meenakshi, lots of happiness always.

  5. April 15, 2013 9:10 am

    This is so touching. To a most blissful couple with Love.

  6. April 16, 2013 1:03 am

    Thanks you very much for showing a per of your own life and God blessed you all at the correct time. In our case we have completed 40 years and it is an arranged marriage.

    • April 16, 2013 9:38 am

      Thank you Sanmugan. In any case, all marriages are arranged…in heaven! Congratulations for your 40 years of marriage. What is your advice to anyone getting married today?

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