Looking for NotGod

Recently someone told me that he did not believe in God. Looking for a poem I had written about NotGod, I found that it was probably lost with my backup drive. Today I found this at roocities which seems to have saved some material from geocities that closed a few years ago. Thank you!

~~~~Looking back

This month, a poem makes its way to the group, one written several years ago, when I realized that we often challenge goodness and Divinity to reveal itself among the most negative circumstances of human life.

At the ego level, this is a search powered by fear, despair, anger: the “negative” human emotions. Looking deeper, we see the play of the hide and seek, with that wonderful message being passed to and fro:

The seeker says: You can run, but you can’t hide;

Wherever you may go, I will find you.

 

Who is the seeker, who the sought? That is the divine play of this wonderful life.

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Looking for NotGod

by Meenakshi, 1999

 

Fearful for my safety, I went looking for NotGod

Hunting in the darkness of alley streets

And the cages of criminals,

I looked in the face of beasts

And the lairs of animals

I went gingerly, alert and ready

To battle, perhaps to run

To find and destroy the demons

And thus be safe forever

 

 

Protective about my feelings I went looking for NotGod

I peered in the faces of bullies

And in the jeers of crowds

In the cabins of bosses

And wherever there was power

I crept into all these places

For here I knew I’d find

The victims and the vanquished

Who had been left behind

 

To shield myself from shame I went looking for NotGod

Seeking the mortification of those with unequal bodies

The despair of those who had failed

Hurt in the eyes of lost lovers

The poor, the naked, the outsiders

In failure I’d find the disgrace of being

Out of step with the rest of the world

And then I could plead for the dignity

That each of us has sought

 

 

To protect myself from deception I went looking for NotGod

I frequented places where people sought

My time, my money, my attention

Attended talks by gurus and cons

And places where money changes hands

I wanted to find the people who cheat

And those who lie to steal

For I knew that if I could find them first

I’d be saving myself from hurt

 

 

To insulate myself from pain I went looking for NotGod

Peering into surgeries and sports fields

And wherever the body is pushed

I looked in places of violence

In homes and jails and schools

I looked in the hearts of criminals

And in the eyes of the afflicted

I rushed to find the pain

So I could stop the hurt

 

To stem the feeling of incompleteness I began to stalk NotGod

I needed to connect the separated strands

To root out the parts that were ruined

The places of worry and doubt

I tracked the places in all our hearts

Where inconsistency and chaos rule

The places where desire fights the desired

The darkest reaches of the soul

I looked in these places because I thought

That finally I’d find NotGod

In the places where kinks appear in our hearts

And I could work them out

 

 

But however hard I looked I could not find NotGod

For God had joined the search with me

And S/he was everywhere

So, thinking God is nowhere here

I found that God is Now Here!

 

In the unsafe places God is the courage we find

After we have known the unknown

Where feelings are hurt we learn to relate

To ourselves and to each other

Where there is Shame we discover

The self that needs to be nurtured

Where someone is cheated there is a lesson learned

That what we have gained should be nursed

Through the pain one can feel connected

To places that we never knew

And in the feeling of incompleteness is the knowledge of oneself

In which the fragrance of God can reside

 

 

 

In order to dispel darkness

I went with bravado to fight

But in the dark I realized

I could think of nothing but Light!

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Thank you.

©2003-2012 Meenakshi Suri

 

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